When Once You Have Turned Back

Don’t you find yourself shaking your head at Peter? How could he have so proudly boasted that he would go to prison and even death with Jesus? Really, what a strange journey it’s been for Peter. It all began with that miraculous catch of fish, that moment when he caught a glimpse of who Jesus truly was. In that moment he also knew the truth about himself, and he tried to chase Jesus away, saying, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man.” But he followed Jesus anyway and accepted his call to “catch people.” He became the de facto spokesperson for the band of disciples. He was the first to acknowledge Jesus as the Son of God, but he was also the first to deny the possibility of Jesus’ death on the cross, making Jesus so angry that Jesus said, “Get thee behind me, Satan.”

Now Peter and the rest of the disciples are here in Jerusalem. A few days ago they watched the excited crowds hail Jesus’ coming. Then as they hid from the authorities, they ate that last meal with Jesus in constant fear. Jesus warned them that the Enemy would be severely testing them, but Peter boasted that he would follow Jesus to prison or even death! Countering Peter’s bravado, the Lord predicted that Peter would deny him three times! And, of course, Jesus’ prediction was right on the mark. First Peter denied his relationship with Jesus: “I do not know him.” Second, he denied his relationship with the other disciples, saying that he was not one of them. And third, he denied even being a Galilean, in effect writing off the entire experience with Jesus that had begun in Galilee. With the cock’s crow, Peter knew that Jesus had spoken truly. Peter realized that, despite everything he had experienced in Jesus’ presence, despite everything he had learned as a disciple, that he had been right about himself all along: “I am a sinful man.”

Ah, now, maybe, instead of shaking our heads at Peter, can we see ourselves in him – when we’re being honest with ourselves perhaps? At the beginning of our relationship with Jesus, many of us feel ourselves unworthy of his calling. We too want to say, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful person.” In baptism we turn our backs on our old life, are born again with water and the Holy Spirit, and join with the rest of the Christian community in trying to live up to our calling – and to all those promises we made. And yet, as we walk our Christian journey, we too waver in our commitment to Jesus. Sometimes, we acknowledge him as the Lord of our lives, sometimes we stand with those crowds, as we did today, praising his entrance into Jerusalem, and sometimes we even bravely boast that we will follow him anywhere – even to prison and death, as some of today’s Christian martyrs do. Just as often, though, if someone asks us, we can deny that we ever knew him. We can fall away from the Church and even forget that we were ever baptized into Christ’s body. We might even find ourselves among those calling out, “Crucify him!” The Enemy hasn’t stopped wanting to sift us – all of us, even those with a clerical collar around our necks. Our commitment to Jesus will be tested in myriad ways throughout our lives. And sometimes, like Peter, we will fail the test.

But the cock’s crow isn’t the end of the story. When the cock crows, Peter doesn’t throw up his hands and run away. When the cock crows, something else happens: the Lord turns and looks at Peter. And Peter looks back and feels Jesus’ gaze, looks back into Jesus’ eyes. And then looking into Jesus’ eyes, Peter remembers what Jesus had said, how Jesus had known all along that Peter would deny him. And in that moment, Peter is invited by Jesus back into relationship. Jesus’ gaze causes Peter to “weep bitterly,” but in that moment of weeping, he is reconnected with Jesus. Peter’s repentance begins, and he knows himself to be forgiven. Perhaps too, looking back into Jesus’ eyes, Peter remembers Jesus’ other words to him: “when once you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.” Weeping bitterly, acknowledging yet more deeply his own sinfulness, but repentant, and yet forgiven, Peter will indeed emerge after the Resurrection as one of the strongest leaders of the fledgling community of Jesus’ followers.

So, my sisters and brothers, here’s the good news. God knows us through and through. God knows our strengths and our limitations. God knows that like Peter we are weak, sinful human beings. God knows that the Enemy will challenge us. But Jesus has already prayed for us and will continue to pray for us. Jesus has already seen beyond our betrayals to what we still have the potential to become. When we repent, when we turn back to Jesus, when we return his gaze, when we come back into relationship with him, then we too are forgiven and strengthened for leadership in the Christian community.

In these weeks of Lent, we have, with God’s help, been pondering our own shortcomings and failures. But we have also heard again and again of God’s forgiveness. The collect for Ash Wednesday assures us in no uncertain terms of God’s forgiveness: “you hate nothing that you have made and forgive the sins of all who are penitent.” Two weeks ago, in hearing that great parable of the forgiven sons, we know that God eagerly waits for us to return to relationship with him and extends forgiveness to us without reserve or condition. Last week, we heard in our Epistle lesson Paul’s reminder to keep the deepening of our relationship with Jesus as the most important goal of our lives. On this Sunday, when we praise God for all that Jesus willingly endured on our behalf, we know that our own human weakness, and even the challenges of the Enemy, are not the end of our story. As we travel this Holy Week, we continue to look beyond sin, both our own sins and those of others, beyond pain, sorrow, and death to the Easter joy that awaits those who turn back to Jesus and fix their eyes on him.